How Do Parents Do It?

I may bare my soul on air, but in print for almost two years now I’ve remained silent, outside of my commentaries at the HuffingtonPost.com and my Blade work. I haven’t blogged per se, for many reasons. First, professionally, I’m on four radio stations and no matter how that is happening, it’s not a bad thing. I do have a HuffPost column, I did just sell out the Hotel Nikko’s Rrazz Room..all not bad things…ratings are going up…good things….

But the fact is I’m the news story everyone is hearing about; I think it’s why my radio show is so relevant these days. I am in this mess. I could go in to it, but let’s just say, I’m like so many. I run 30 days on my mortgage, my second is in the midst of being modified, credit accounts on repayment plans or dealing with settling, and every week waking on Monday basically terorized about how on earth am I going to do all I need to do. Sell ads on my show, produce my show, do my show, expand my career AND take care of my family. My family. My dogs.

My mon’s dog Angel is 12 and has diabetis. When I had the income from KGO, that didn’t matter. When she needed to go to the ER over the weekend, $4000 later and her life saved, it didn’t matter. Now, I look at my three dogs, my children, with fear. Fear that something will happen and I won’t be able to afford the help they’ll need and I’ll lose one of them. They don’t have insurance, I don’t have insurance.

Well, yesterday, Easter, everything was fine. Left at 1pm to go to Ken and Dennis’ condo on the 13th floor on the beach in Santa Monica. Sat with them as we swayed in the earthquake while passing the potato salad. Picked up Heather at the LB Airport and got home at 6pm in time to feed the dogs. Except Angel wouldn’t eat. And for her, that is extraordinarily unusual. And dangerous. Then, bloody diarrhea. Sunday night at 7pm, Easter. If I rushed her to the Pet Hospital, it would minimally be $1200, probably $2000 or more. I simply do not have it. I owe that in property tax. I simply don’t have it. So, like many, I waited and hoped.

Overnight, she slept, up a few times, but nothing major. I was terror stricken that she would die over night. But she didn’t. This morning, no interest in food, more of the blood. 5:30 am. The vet doesn’t open until 8am. Even then, they will consider it an emergency visit and add $$$. And even there it could be in upwards of $500 instead of the $5000 the pet hospital would charge. IF they can treat it and not refer her out. I did web research. Seems it could be HGE. Sudden unexplained onset. Symptoms match. Treatable with IV fluids, etc. Add in diabetis. Fatal if not treated. Not treated how soon? Have I already waited too long?

How do parents of human children in today’s world do this? For their kids, for themselves? What if they get sick. Well, they’ll get treated. Yes, but it will cost $$$ or the house or or or.

Being out of money sucks. Not being able to make enough to meet basic needs like health care for myself or my pets, sucks. Sitting here waiting 45 more minutes hoping it’s not too late because I needed to save $$$ sucks. Life versus money, that decision sucks. No one should have to make it for human or beast or anything. Congress chose money over life by not giving universal coverage. I am just as guilty as I sit here waiting instead of rushing to a hospital because of $$.

Is this too personal? Will I be thought of differently now? I don’t care. I don’t get paid by anyone at all. I only make $$ with ad revenues, I’m not an ad sales person and I have tried every day to hire someone. Not one has performed yet, and yet I have. To a small amount. But a few clients. Agents, funding, companies, blah blah blah blah…there’s more talk behind the scenes in talk radio then on the air…blah blah blah blah…meanwhile I wait feeling horrible that I don’t have the money OR the time for what is going on this morning, and yet knowing I will find both.

But how are other American’s doing this? Money is ruining lives every second. Letting things die, people be evicted, on and on and on. Money. Useless numbers and pieces of paper.

And I wait. 7:21…Angel not looking very good, weak…who wouldn’t be I found at least six spots out back with more than a few tablespoons of blood. She only weighs 12 pounds for goodness sake.

And alone. I’m so tired of going through all of this alone. I know I have friends and family, but I mean no partner. Everything was easier with Andrew. Everything, even the worse of the worst. Next year he will have been gone a decade. And no real relationship for me. And while many would have a list of things I’ve done since he’s died I feel like I’ve only gone backwards. Financially. Personally. That’s guilt. I feel guilty that I took on the responsibility of the dogs and am not able to meet that, to keep them healthy. We should be on our way to Lakewood Emergency Hospital, should have gone last night. Instead of waiting another 36 minutes to save $$. So that makes me feel like a failure.

How can America not be depressed? We didn’t really fail. Like me. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. I’m an entertainer, a talk show host. Been one for two decades. Pretty OK at it. And I’m on four stations. So why isn’t it just a little easier? Because again I’ve only gotten near the bullseye, not hit it. Because I have the structure in place, a show, on stations, a name that allows me to at least gig, but no support statff. Why ? $$$$. I can only pay an ad sales person commission. So no one wants to do it. I have the chance in front of me to grow if I stay going, but each day like so many wonder how that will be possible.

33 minutes before I can even call. Just sleep Angel. Please. The other two want to walk. They don’t get it. Alley is the same age, but no real problems. Atilla is four and wants to go. But I can’t. Rain. And sick angel. I’d carry her with us in the Fundle, but why, she’s so weak. We’re taking a rain day doggies. Daddies got to deal.

Oh she’s a dog and she’s going to die, right? Yes, and maybe soon, but she wouldn’t be this close today if I had more $$. And that statement has been set about pets or people for far too long.

Will I post this? Why not, I hear you have to fake it unit you make it. I’m tired of faking it. The real deal is that like you I sit and make choices based on money each and every day. Even life and death ones.